Home?

I have now lived in Asheville longer than I've ever lived anywhere else in my life. I moved here at the end of February, 2000 so that puts me at 8 years now in the "Land of the Sky". Eight years seems like a long time to be in one place for me, but I know people who have lived in the same area their entire lives so like everything else, it's all relative.

Stevenson, Alabama: 6 years
Maumee, Ohio: 4 years
George Hildebran, North Carolina: 8 years
Raleigh, North Carolina: 7 years
Boone, North Carolina: 5 years
Asheville, North Carolina: 8 years and counting

I like it here and don't particularly want to go anywhere else but I've never stayed in one place longer than this and I'm feeling a bit trapped. My life so far has been one move after another; settling into a place for a while but eventually packing everything up and moving on to the next place.

Is it time for me to stop and try to build a life here, or do I do the gypsy thing and start over again somewhere else?

Run Away!

I've been thinking about my current medical stuff quite a bit, and there's a part of me that wants to run away from it all. I feel like buying a carton of cigarettes and lighting up again, living off the saltiest, fat-filled foods I can find, and washing everything down with remarkably obscene amounts of Mountain Dew & alcohol. Forget about taking meds and altering my diet and exercise habits to be healthy, I want to be young and stupid again.

I'm not going to do any of that of course. It's time to "be an adult", "eat responsibly", "take care of myself", etc. All the cliché bullshit you hear from everyone else who has been forced to grow up, get old, and eat food that's good for you.

Granted I'm only in week three of my old age, but it hasn't really been that bad so far. The low-sodium, low-fat, no caffeine diet isn't as flavorless and boring as I'd been anticipating. Plus when I do allow myself to eat something bad, it feels like even more of a treat now than it used to be.

$18,776

That's the amount of the bill I received in the mail on Friday for my 2-night stay in the hospital the week before. Almost $1,000 of that was for drugs alone. Thankfully everything was billed directly to insurance so the hospital isn't expecting a payment from me. Hopefully the insurance company will be polite and helpful about it and not dispute any of the charges. I was actually expecting the bill to be bigger, but then the tests they performed weren't itemized on the bill so I may be receiving the charges for those later.

I've been looking for a new career path; maybe I should consider something in health care. Apart from the money factor, it might make me feel good and give me a confidence boost by helping people. Something to mull over.

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Shelbster's blood test on Thursday came back and her glucose levels were closer to normal, so we're sticking at this new insulin dosage for a bit. Her increased water intake is most likely a result of the Cushing's making her think she's thirsty all the time. The vet compared it to having cotton-mouth or a dry throat almost constantly. She isn't dehydrated and doesn't need all the water she's drinking, her mind just thinks she does. So I'm cutting back on the amount of water I leave out for her when I'm not there. I hate the thought of her sitting there thinking she's thirsty all the time, but that's better for her than drinking and outputting almost 2 gallons of water a day and giving her a bladder infection.

Out of Character

I did some things completely out of character for myself today. Nothing big or anything, just a series of small things. They weren't anything that I planned to do either.

I started a conversation with someone at work that I hadn't really talked to before, completely at random. We kept the conversation alive for quite a while, and I was truly interested in it and the person. And I learned some cool things about them on a personal level that I otherwise wouldn't know.

Even though I did find myself getting a touch upset with the driving habits of some of the dumb ass mutha... friendly drivers around me at times, I calmed my anger immediately and kept it in check. I even listened to music instead of having the radio turned off like usual.

I used a cart at the grocery store and took my time, instead of rushing mindlessly through the store with a handheld basket. Then instead of the self-checkout line like usual (so I don't have to talk to anyone), I went through a normal line and chatted with the clerk while I bagged my own groceries so she wouldn't have to.

I also smiled a lot and was in a fairly good mood all day. I even talked to the neighbor's kid for a bit as I was bringing groceries inside. He looks to be around 12 or 13 and gave me a thoughtful look before going inside and said "You know, you're kinda cool." (I've received this reaction from my nephews as well and I think it's because I find it easy to talk to kids. I try to speak to them like adults instead of children and it takes them by surprise at times.)

Slow

Haven't really been doing much the last few days beyond working and lying around the house trying to take it easy. Everything's going fine, just dull and boring while I try to get through the week of healing after the cath thing. I can't lift more than a few pounds or be very domestic since I'm not supposed to bend or put undue stress on my hip, so no sweeping, vacuuming, taking out the trash, etc. Pity, that.

Shelbster's still drinking a lot more than she should be so the increase in insulin doesn't seem to be helping her much. I'm taking her to the vet tomorrow afternoon to check her glucose levels; maybe the doc will know more then and be able to get things as much under control as we're able at this point.

Hospital Time

As predicted, the cardiologist appointment on Thursday went a bit worse than the urologist visit. They noticed some irregularities in my EKG and blood flow sounds, and given my history with Takayasu's, they decided I needed some more in-depth testing. And boy howdy, do I mean in-depth. I was taken by ambulance (prone and strapped down on the gurney, with the oxygen thing in my nose and everything) directly from the cardiologist's office to the hospital. They didn't want to cause more stress on my heart by letting me drive.

They did a CAT scan later that afternoon and found out that my aorta was enlarged and calcified. In the words of the cardiac surgeon I "have the aorta of an 80-year old man", which is never something you really want to hear, unless of course you're 90 or older. They're worried about the aorta continuing to enlarge but think the calification may actually help in that it'll keep it from getting much bigger. It's a concern, but since there is still decent blood flow through it, it isn't something to worry about immediately. I'm scheduled for follow up visits so they can keep an eye on it and see if it gets any worse. If it does my only course of action would be to replace the vessel. Fun, fun.

But it doesn't end there. They also did a cardiac catheterization the following day to check the blood flow in the arteries feeding my heart. It involves inserting a catheter into an artery in the leg and feeding it up through the body until it gets to the heart, then injecting dye and watching how the blood flows. The good news is they didn't find anything wrong with them whatsoever, they termed them "pristine". The bad news is that blood flow to my left kidney is 90% blocked. They checked the kidneys on their way since I'd had problems with them as a child and the catheter went right by the renal arteries as they were feeding it up my body. They're not very concerned about it for the moment but I'll be following up with a renal specialist to discuss possible angioplasty and inserting a stent to open up the artery. Which can all be done on an outpatient basis somehow. Medicine's come a long way in the last 20 years.

I was finally able to leave the hospital on Saturday and come home. They've started me on some beta-blockers for my blood pressure and heart rate and I have several follow-up visits to schedule over the next few months.

Overall I feel pretty good about the situation, considering everything that happened and that will need to happen in the future. It was a bit scary being wheeled out on a stretcher in an ambulance, and then all the waiting for the tests to be done and results to come back was a little unnerving as well. But having my parents and sister come up to keep me company, and knowing that The Shelbster was safe and well cared for by Greg helped keep me from getting too stressed out about it all.

One Down

Well the urologist confirmed that it's "only" a hydrocele. As long as it's not causing any pain or isn't too uncomfortable then my best course of action is to do nothing and it will more than likely go away on its own. 'Course if it gets worse then surgery may be needed, but I choose not to dwell on that right now.

I have a feeling that the cardiologist appointment tomorrow won't go quite as smoothly. A blood pressure reading of 191/101 is usually a sign that something is amiss.

Medic!

A bit of history...I spent a large majority of my junior high school years (7th, 8th, and 9th grades) being shuffled between doctors and hospitals. I was eventually diagnosed with Takayasu's Arteritis (or Takayasu's Disease) and placed on several medications for it and the other problems that cropped up because of it. As the condition causes a narrowing of the arteries, the worst thing that happened was having to have two renal angioplasties performed on my kidneys. That's where they go into the blood vessel with a balloon and inflate the part that is narrower than it should be. I was fortunate enough to have the first of those performed by none other than Dr. Andreas Grüntzig, the doctor who originally invented the procedure (he died in a tragic plane crash a few years later in 1985). I have one of the classic symptoms of the condition in my left arm, termed “pulselessness” because the artery in that arm has narrowed to the point of virtual non-existence, causing me not to have a pulse in my left wrist. It's smaller & quite a bit weaker than my right arm, and tires easily because of the reduced blood flow.

When I started college 5-6 years later, the condition was under control and had gone into an “inactive” state. By this point I was extremely tired of taking drugs every day and dealing with their side effects. I had spent my entire teenage life taking medications & seeing doctors, watching my diet closely (low sodium diet from high blood pressure), and not being able to do anything remotely akin to the level of physical activity enjoyed by my peers ("no prolonged aerobic or anaerobic activity" was the official proclamation from my cardiologist...i.e. no running, playing, hiking, or sports of any kind for fear of a heart attack, stroke, or worse).

I was barely 20 years old but felt like I was an old man; taking a gamut of drugs every morning and having some long-term side effects starting to creep up, especially from the prednisone. So I took myself off medication and decided to let things play out however they would. If the condition came back and things started to get worse, then I'd be old and hopefully be ready to live a medicated, highly structured life by then. Above all I wanted to experience a life without all that worry and stress.

And for the last 20 years I've done it. I've lived the way I wanted to live: free from doctors and thoughts of thickening arteries, free from the routine of daily medications, free from as much responsibility as I could possibly muster. I've drank. I've smoked. I've lived with no regard to my health whatsoever. And it's been glorious. I got to be "normal" for a while and not worry about rare diseases and drug interactions.

But I'm afraid it may be about time to pay the piper. I've been having pretty steady chest pains for the last couple of weeks. It's not a stabbing type of pain but more like a squeezing or pressure in the left side of my chest. I've also developed what may or may not be a hydrocele. So for the first time in two decades, I went to see a doctor last week. Three ultrasounds later, I'm scheduled to see a urologist tomorrow to rule out testicular cancer and a cardiologist on Thursday for an echocardiogram and a more in-depth cardiovascular exam.

And I'm cool with everything. I knew this was coming and I'd have to face it again if I survived off meds long enough. I'm ready to be that "old man" that I thought I was becoming back then. And I wouldn't change the last 20 years for anything. I made the right decision for me then, and I'd do it again given the chance.

Cable

I didn't really think it was possible for me to get lazier, but this past week I've impressed myself with an almost supernatural burst of sloth. It all started last weekend when I called the cable company and added HBO/Cinemax/Starz to my TV lineup. I'd been debating doing it for a few weeks now and decided to finally take the plunge Saturday evening.

It was part of a 6-month "package deal" that gives me faster internet speeds and HBO/Cinemax/Starz for almost the exact same price I'm paying now for just cable and internet. I know it's a way for them to try to boost revenue...they're hoping I will either forget when the 6 months is over (when it reverts to normal pricing) or that I'll get hooked on the movies and be willing to pay the $60 or so extra a month by then. But by the time the offer ends in June/July, I'm hoping to be well on my way towards my next goal and won't need as much TV time in my life.

All that being said, giving myself movie channels right now is like dangling a cigarette in front of a smoker on his third day being "smoke free". I've had movie channels before, but I'd forgotten how nice it is to have large chunks of time-wasting potential like that at my fingertips 24 hours a day. I've managed to get a bit of reading in and taken care of the annoying, menial duties that have to be done (dishes, laundry, going to work, etc.), but otherwise I've been beached on the couch watching movie after movie. And if that's not bad enough, all the movies I've watched so far are ones that I've seen before (some of them twice, some thrice, and others I know well enough to follow the dialogue with the actors).

I'm not sure what I'll do if they show something I haven't seen before.

Review

Finished up "Merle's Door" last night. I didn't know anything about the book other than the cover pictures and from reading the jacket notes, so I wasn't really sure what kind of book to expect. I read this one differently than I usually do other books; instead of immersing myself completely and spending all of my time reading, I took my time with it. I read a chapter or two here and there, or in 15-20 minute blocks. I think doing it differently helped give me a different perspective on the book and it seemed to be the best way for me to absorb it.

I liked the book quite a bit, and I can safely say that this is the first Canine Biography I've ever read. I'm sure Shelbe being near the end of her time helped the story to resonate with me a bit more than it might for people who have never had a dog be a big part of their lives.

I've decided to put the Stephen Donaldson book ("The Runes of the Earth: The Last Chronicles of Thomas Covenant") on hold for a bit. I've read the first 80 pages or so, and like it so far, but I don't think I'm ready to commit myself to reading it right now. When I read a book like this, I have to let myself fall into the book's world. In order to get what I want to from it, I try to experience everything from the perspective of an invisible observer inside the book's universe. I visualize myself as an unseen character that follows alongside the main characters so I can feel and try to understand what they're going through. And I'm not in the right place to do that right now. Maybe next week.

Propaganda

Are the elections over yet?

Have we finally decided to start making national and international decisions based on logic and reason instead of fear, greed, and religious doctrine?

I could almost become slightly political this year given my revulsion of the current administration's congregation, tactics, and policies. But I'm not really smitten with anyone on the other side either. It's starting to look like the last election for me. I didn't like any (either) of the options then, so I chose not to vote. I know you're supposed to do your "civic duty" and get your little gold-star sticker for your lapel saying you voted, but what if I don't like any of my choices? I'm not going to vote for someone I don't want in office. And since it's always either A or B there aren't many choices to pick from.

We need more options; the days of the two-party system need to come to an end.

Cold, Snowy Day

Thanks to my nifty new temperature gauge I got for Kwanzaa, I was able to tell that it was 22° F when I got up this morning (WLOS had a reading of 16). Today was supposed to be my first day back to work after all the holiday time off but I ended up not going in. It snowed last night and left a nice blanket over most of the area. I only had a couple inches but there was a thin sheet of ice on the parking lot underneath the snow so I didn't go in at the normal time. The sun popped through the clouds and started to melt it off a bit around 10:00 AM, and I'd planned on going in to work around lunch time. I sat down and took a few cat naps though and let time slip away until it was too late. Pity.

I was a little congested when I woke up and it's gotten progressively worse since then. I figure my body was trying to get me prepped for some nastiness by getting the extra sleep in. Always fun to start a new year by being sick. Hopefully it's just a little cold and not the funk my sister and her family had before the holidays.

New Year

Well, 2008 is finally here. Time to start a couple more balls rolling and let them build up the momentum they'll need to get things done.

Spent New Year's Eve by myself this year (by choice). Just wanted to be alone this year and not have to go anywhere or do anything or deal with anyone. Plus I don't think the Shelbster has a lot of time left so I don't want to put her under any more stress than I have to right now. I may be mistaken about that (and I hope I am) but there's no point putting her through the added hardship unless I have no other choice.

Today I thought a lot about another NYE that I spent alone. It was 16 years ago, 1991 was coming to an end, and I was getting ready to flounder through my final attempted semester at college before finally throwing in the towel. All of my friends at the time had either already graduated or would be graduating in a few short months and they had planned a night on the town of dancing, drinking, and partying to celebrate the coming of 1992 and their final semester of school. When I found out about the festivities, and that they didn't want me to go along with them, I was devastated. So instead of sitting at home alone and having to deal with my emotions I went to a midnight showing of the latest movie release: "Hook". Not the best movie in the world by far, but it gave my mind something else to focus on as the year rolled over and helped the night ease by. My relationships with them changed a lot after that and I started down a different path shortly afterwards. "Hook" still has a special meaning for me today because of that night though.

I'm not feeling the same things as I spend NYE by myself tonight, but I catch myself thinking of that particular night quite a bit this time of year and thought about it a lot today. Things have changed in 16 years and it's good to remember times like those from a different perspective. It was one of my low times from an emotional standpoint, but if it hadn't happened then I'd be a completely different person today. Besides, I have some big things in store for this coming year. 2008 could very well be a pretty good year for me; no need to dwell too much on the past when it's time to keep plowing ahead.

24th

Season's Greetings
Happy Saturnalia
Merry Midwinter
Habari Gani
‘Īd mubārak
Happy Hanukkah
Joyous Yule
Merry Christmas
Happy Solstice
Mele Kalikimaka
Happy Holidays

Dream TV

Odd dreams last night. I only remember flashes from one of them but feel like I had an entire night full of dreaming. I was watching a newscast and the reporter on the screen was a guy I knew growing up. I met him in the 6th grade and hung out with him on and off throughout school and a bit in college, but then we went separate ways and I haven't seen him in almost 20 years. But there he was on my dream television reporting the news. He was older and had a goatee, but there was no doubt who it was. I don't remember what he was reporting on, but the scene went black, I had a brief flash of how I remembered him looking two decades ago, then the dream ended. A few months back I had a similar dream with him in it. I don't remember the details but it was along the same lines as this one: a brief flash of a scene with him in it and then nothing. I wonder what my mind's trying to tell me.

I also woke up with an old song running through my head. I wish I'd written down the name of it because I can't even begin to recall what it is now. I know it was old, as in black & white TV era kind of old. Maybe a commercial jingle from the 50s or 60s? Apparently I was running a TV kind of theme to my dreams last night.

Deliberately

I finished up "Into the Wild" this weekend and enjoyed it quite a bit. I realized a few chapters into the book that when this happened in the early '90s, I was about the same age as he was. So while I was winding down my failed college career and starting down the path I'm on now this guy was living out his fantasy life on the road and in the wilds of Alaska.

Not that I would or could have done anything remotely as courageous as he did when I was that age. I've come to realize that I'm about a decade (or two) behind everyone else in my age range as far as experiences and mental attitude go. It used to bother me, but now I'm trying to roll with it and take things as they come. I have a lot of admiration and respect for this guy; he took his destiny into his own hands, lived life deliberately, and savored every minute of it. Yeah he made mistakes and should have done some things differently, but that's not the point. I'd rather live a short life of happiness and discovery than a long life of boredom and monotony.

I'm a few chapters into "Merle's Door" and liking it so far. It's a different book than I'm used to reading, but that's a good thing.

Bajada

I learned a new word today: bajada.

bajada: [buh-ha-duh]: a plain formed at the base of a mountain by the merging of several alluvial fans.

A whole bunch of rivers and streams fly down a mountain carrying all sorts of dirt, rock, and debris with them along the way, and all that crap gets dumped at the bottom when the rivers slow down. After a few thousand years or so, it all builds up into a pile so big that it becomes it's own landform spread out over miles at the mountain's base.

That's so cool.

Books!

I went to the bookstore after work today. I really wanted to goto Books-A-Million, but since they're located near the Asheville Mall I decided not to attempt the traffic and shopping nightmare and went somewhere else. I ended up at the Waldenbooks located in the Biltmore Square Mall. You'd think that any mall would be hell this time of year, but for some unexplained reason the BSM is never crowded.

I went searching for the book "Into the Wild", by Jon Krakauer. I read a cursory review of the movie that came out recently about this book on another blog and thought it would be a story I might like to read. A friend had loaned me another of Mr. Krakauer's books a while back, "Into Thin Air", and I enjoyed it quite a bit, so I'm hoping "Wild" turns out to be something I'll like too.

While I was there I perused the On-Sale tables and found a couple other books as well. I lucked across one of Stephen Donaldson's books in hardback for the outrageous price of $4.99, "The Runes of the Earth: The Last Chronicles of Thomas Covenant" (Book 1). I've read the other two series of books he's written on this and think I'll like this "last" set as well.

I also picked up Ted Kerasote's "Merle's Door: Lessons from a Freethinking Dog". I haven't heard anything about this book (I'm not really one to keep track of the Bestseller Lists) but the picture on the front and this excerpt of a review on the back was enough to make me give it a try:

"...an intense recipricoal relationship between a dog and his man, and how we and our dogs genuinely share feelings and emotions."

Now...time to lose myself in books for a few weeks.

Weekend Wallflower

Well I managed to spend the entire weekend at home. I haven't left the place since I parked the car Friday evening. And other than taking the Shelbster out for walks, I've spent the last 48 hours or so inside this apartment. Apparently I can do two days like this without much problem, but if I attempt to go a week like I did over Thanksgiving I'll finally get bored enough to want to leave. So somewhere between 48 and 168 hours is my limit for being cooped up inside the same place by myself. I guess it's a good thing to know; at least I'm only an amateur level hermit and haven't quite gone pro yet. Here's the scary part though: It feels like I just got here, and at the same time it feels like I've never left.

So I've been trying to think of what I'm going to buy myself this year for a Winter Solstice and/or Kwanzaa gift. I've bounced quite a few things around so far (an Xbox 360, a Wii, a PDA, an iPod Touch) and now I'm considering signing back up for Sirius satellite radio. The radio choices I have in Asheville are very limited (to put it nicely) and I've been missing the options that satellite offered. If I do sign back up though, I'll invest in a receiver that I can bring inside work with me since the reception in my office is even worse than the car. I'm not sure how good satellite reception will be inside but even if it won't work in the office I'll still be able to get some decent music back in the car.

Catching Up

Not much happened today so I think I'll catch up on a few things. Last Monday (Nov 19th) I was up early walking the Shelbster and was able to snap a few pretty good foggy morning shots:





These were taken from the edge of my apartment parking lot, and you'd never know there was a smelly dumpster only a few feet behind me. The field where these were taken has been the focus of several of my pics and looks great in the winter covered in fresh snow.

I also decided to buzz my hair last week. It's not really too much of a change in appearance for me since it was slowly taking care of thinning itself pretty well; it's more of a psychological thing. I've finally reached "that point" when my hair isn't going to be lush and magnificent anymore and it's time to put it out of its misery and just keep it shorn from now on. And truthfully I'd already reached that point a few years ago, I was just hanging on and trying to get as much time out of having hair as I could. And yeah there are a few little gray bastards poking through there. No worries though, it's time to start aging gracefully I guess.