Visualize It

What the Gulf oil spill would look like if it were in Asheville. Click to make bigger.

From http://www.ifitwasmyhome.com/

Welcome to the Future

When I was growing up, the year 2010 sounded made up. A lot of people were hung up on the year 2000 being the big one, what with the whole millennium thing and all. But for me it was always 2010 that did it. Not only would 2000 have already happened in this future world, but it would have been a whole decade later!

It sounded like it was impossibly far into the future to actually be a real year someday. Plus look at it; the number itself just looks odd. Never in my wildest dreams (at age 8ish or so) did I think I’d someday been living in 2010. The 80s sure, and the 90s were kind of believable, but the year 2010? No way man.

Guess I need a new year to see as being far off in Future World now. How’s 2050 sound?

Maybe I'll be driving my hover car on the moon by then.

Lost

I’m feeling somewhat directionless right now. I get this way often; any kind of constant routine tends to do it to me sooner or later. I fall into this circle of going to work at the same time every morning, coming home at the same time in the afternoon, doing the domestic chores the same day as last week, etc. While some people find a routine like that comforting and an inevitable part of life, doing the same things the same way all the time makes me feel a little rundown. Like I’m spinning around in a big circular rut, and even though it feels like I’m constantly moving in different directions, the only thing that really happens is being dizzy and knowing that I’ll fall over if I stop. But usually all it takes is some small deviation in the pattern to break up the monotony and make me feel better. Things like spending a weekend day exploring back roads I’ve never been on before, having lunch at a new place, or buying a new geek toy. Nothing major, just a little distraction for a bit to refresh me, and then it’s back to the routine until the next distraction is needed.

Lately though nothing has seemed to help. It’s been this way since I had to come off the Trail, but the feeling is intensifying. I have a couple of job interviews for office-type positions this week, and I know that’s what’s making it worse. Don’t get me wrong, it’s taken months to get this close to working again in this economy and I’m happy to finally have some interviews lined up. I need a job in a bad way right now. But the thought of stepping into a new office-job and starting to spin around in a new circle is horrifying for me.

I’ve changed jobs and moved to new places before (and enjoyed doing it), so it’s not the idea of starting over somewhere that’s the problem. Things are different now. The time I spent on the Trail and what it awakened (and continues to awaken) in me has changed something fundamental inside. “Hike your own hike” is as good a motto for life as it is for AT hopefuls and I’m trying to listen to my inner guide and follow my own path. I don’t want to spin in place this time; that way of living is not for me anymore. I want to keep walking forward and experience new things every day.

But I’m scared that I’m going to wake up a year from now and realize that I’ve fallen into the trap yet again. Whenever I think of the jobs I’m interviewing for this week I start feeling dizzy and the sense of directionless sends me reeling again. I don’t know what to do or which direction to go. I really miss the Trail.

Ducks

Since it was such a beautiful afternoon a couple of co-workers and I decided to eat lunch outside today. We stopped at Jersey Mike's Subs and grabbed some food then headed to Beaver Lake in north Asheville. The area around the southern part of the lake is a Bird Sanctuary and has a trail with a boardwalk and benches set up for bird watching. So we got to have a nice peaceful lunch watching the lake and listening to the birds. I forgot to bring my camera but I was able to snap a few pics on the phone that didn't turn out too bad.



A pair of ducks swam up to our lookout spot and started quacking up a storm, begging for food.



We didn't fee them of course (I shouldn't even be eating bacon, no way it can be good for a duck), but they were persistent little things and followed us around the water's edge. They were paddling pretty quickly too. For ducks.



They reached the shore and waddle waddled right up to us, quacking and looking cute the entire way.



They stood there for a few minutes after we walked off looking confused and disappointed as to why they didn't get any food. I'm guessing the cute chase-you-down routine generally works for them and convinces people to feed them.

New Year 2009

It's finally here, 2009. I'm actually looking forward to this year. Apart from turning 40, I have lots planned and hopefully some big things will happen. I didn't really do much to celebrate last night. Stayed home by myself and had a few beers, then watched some crazy guy on TV jump his motorcycle 10 stories straight up (then free-fall on the bike back down).

I'm making a couple of the traditional New Year's "good luck" foods for supper tonight. I have a big pot of black eye peas cooking and plan on boiling some cabbage to go along with it. Collard greens are supposed to be better for luck, but I can't stand the stuff so cabbage will have to do in its place. I keep an eye on my pork intake and try to keep it pretty low so I'm skipping the ham this time, but I put a bit in the peas for seasoning so hopefully that'll work. Gonna need all the good luck and karma I can get my hands on.

November 4

Weekend Randomness

Well October's halfway done and another weekend's come to an end. I didn't do anything productive on Saturday; slept in and then stayed at home all day.

This afternoon I went and got my hair cut at one of those cheap strip mall places that only charges $9 a pop. I've never seen the point in spending much more than that for my haircuts since there's not a lot involved in it. "Gimme a #4 blade on the sides and back, then scissor trim the top to blend in". It doesn't take long and it's pretty hard to mess it up.

Plus with the rate my hair's thinning, the scissor portion of it is getting somewhat less time consuming to cut. The stylist today even suggested that I might want to consider shortening it to a #3 blade all over, since that's a good look for men whose hair "is thinning out a lot around the edges like yours is." Thanks for putting it like that, I'm sure I'll hear those words echoing in my dreams. I'm ok with it thinning and have no qualms about being an old bald man one day. Really. It's just hearing it said so matter of factly like that from a complete stranger seemed to make it more real somehow.

After the trim I drove around for a few hours enjoying the clear day and found my way over to the new REI store that opened this weekend. Very cool 2-story store jam packed with outdoor gear and clothing. It was crawling with customers on both floors, but strangely no one was buying anything. They were all milling about the aisles standing in front of all the stuff I wanted to look at, but no one was in the checkout lines. I signed up for some camping gear giveaway (i.e. put my name on a mailing list for snail mail spam) and spent some time ogling the attractive people who were staffing the place but ended up not buying anything either. Very cool store though, if a bit overpriced compared to what I've seen online.

I was hoping they might have some camping hammocks either on display or at least there in the store that I could look at, but all they had were a few traditional tents and accessories. Guess I'll just have to bite the bullet and get one online and hope I like it.

Treefall

The remnants of Hurricane Fay have been rolling through here for the last 2 days and they've dumped a huge load of rainfall on us. We've been in bad drought conditions for a few years now so we need all the rain we can get, but this much this fast is starting to cause a few problems.

Last night around 9:00pm I heard a loud crash from outside and knew that another tree had fallen. Sure enough, the large tree that's been leaning badly for years now came crashing down. Luckily it didn't hit any of the apartment buildings, people, or cars but it has managed to block off the lower parking lot.



Some guys were here about 30 minutes ago with a chainsaw, but they left soon afterwards without doing anything noticeable. I think they may have underestimated the size of the tree and have hopefully gone to get something bigger than the single, small chainsaw they brought.

Update:
The guys finally got the tree "cleared" around noon. They had to call in some local guys with longer, more powerful chainsaws to cut through the trunk. They got it sliced up and rolled out of the driveway so we can get in and out. 'Course they didn't clear it away or anything, this is Candler after all. I predict it'll be here for at least another month before they do anything else.

The Mondays

Today was a bad day. Not because of anything that happened though, it was basically my attitude that made the day suck. I woke up this morning and did not want to be around anyone. I wanted to be left alone and not interact with people whatsoever. And I can't think of any particular reason for it either; it was just one of those days. I didn't want to speak to anyone; I didn't want to deal with anything; I wanted to sit at home and be pissy about everything and nothing.

But of course it was a Monday, and the weekly meeting I have to sit through at 9:00am ran longer than normal. Sitting in a hot, stuffy room listening to people drone on about things that have absolutely nothing to do with my job for 2 hours didn't really improve my mood much either. And it only got worse from there.

By the end of the day I had exhausted everything I could find to complain about and started getting mad at myself for being so pissy to begin with and ruining my day.

Of course now that the day's over I can see how silly it all was, and if I'd only made myself change my attitude first thing this morning I would have had a much nicer day. I'll try that next time, but every now and then it feels kind of good to have a pissy day. Gets it out of my system in one big burst.

Screaming

Had an interesting morning today. I had the windows and patio door open enjoying the cool morning air when I heard this creepy, almost human screaming coming from outside. I've heard this sound before, but it's always been late at night when I'm out walking Shelbe and it's always been a lot further away. This time it sounded like it was right outside.

So I grabbed the camera and recorded a quick video of the sounds. You can't see anything in the video except the neighbor's back yard, but you can hear the sound quite clearly. It was echoing through the entire neighborhood so it was hard to ignore. It even had the local wildlife a bit upset; you can hear the sounds of the birds and several dogs going crazy in the background. Around the 0:10 and 0:58 sec marks you can hear The Shelbster grunt out a little bark too.

I checked around online a few weeks ago and I'm pretty sure it's the sound of a red fox screaming.

39

I've been 39 for a couple of days now and can't say I feel any changes from being 38. 'Course it doesn't usually sink in that I've had a birthday until the first time I have to answer the "How old are you?" question. And I've done this enough times to know that you don't magically feel differently just because a particular day of the year came and went.

At least not after you pass 25 or so. Younger than that and each birthday seems special somehow. I think it's because there are so many milestones when you're younger: starting school, hitting double digits, becoming a teenager, driving, high school, etc. After you hit 25 the only thing that's left is just endless years of aging; all the fun stuff's already happened. At least from the perspective of someone under 25, obviously.

I suppose I need to make this year memorable somehow though, as it's my final year in my 30's. I'll see what I can come up with.

Anger Holes

I was just on the phone with a customer service rep. One of those people you call and have to rattle off a 10-digit account number, a phone number, address, cock size, and last 4 of your social to “for confirmation” that I am who I was claiming to be. The call didn’t go too well since I was complaining to them about my service, and instead of listening to what I was trying to say they were very good at parroting obscure lines from their EULA back to me. While I was right about what I was saying, the whole situation was completely my fault as I did something a few weeks ago that led to today’s problem.

The customer service and what happened to cause it isn’t really important though. The big problem here is that it made me angry. I was in a blind, seething rage. My face and upper body turned red from the blood pumping so hard (I was literally “seeing red”); my hands and voice were shaking with anger; I even started sweating and could feel the heat pouring off my face. All over a situation that wasn’t really important to begin with and in the end, was my fault and not the poor customer service person unlucky enough to answer my call.

I’ve always had a bad temper though; it runs in the family. My brother and sister have bad ones too, and both my parents’ tempers are legendary. One of the few images that I can clearly recall from growing up is of my father hurling a skateboard out a 2nd floor window because he was mad at us kids. It’s among the scariest (and saddest) memories of my childhood. Yet here I am 25 years later doing the same thing…losing my temper at the drop of a hat over piddling little things. I didn’t toss anything out the window, but I probably would have if I’d thought of it.

It’s not something I’m proud of and I know I’m as much to blame as any genetic inclination that may factor into the deal. I’ve never been good at dealing with my emotions. As a child I felt everything acutely. Emotions were physical presences for me, they came from my core and I could feel them pulsing inside as they bubbled to the surface. But as I got older and and my emotions started getting stronger, I ran from what I was feeling. Instead of dealing with it and allowing myself to grow through the pain and disillusionment, I locked my emotions away and began isolating myself from everyone and everything around me. I put up my shields and built my barriers, then quietly found a nice dark corner and settled in. I’ve been doing it for so long that there are times when I don’t know if I can feel anything anymore. Not much seems like it’s really happening; whole weeks go by with me on auto-pilot just going through the motions.

But every now and then that all-powerful rage comes blasting through my defenses. And while I know it’s not a good thing to have all that anger bottled up inside or have it explode out of me like it did earlier on the phone…maybe, just maybe, the hole it blew through my walls will stay open this time and some of my other emotions will come out. Perhaps I should tear down a few of them this time and move a little closer. It would be nice to feel something real again.

Out of Character

I did some things completely out of character for myself today. Nothing big or anything, just a series of small things. They weren't anything that I planned to do either.

I started a conversation with someone at work that I hadn't really talked to before, completely at random. We kept the conversation alive for quite a while, and I was truly interested in it and the person. And I learned some cool things about them on a personal level that I otherwise wouldn't know.

Even though I did find myself getting a touch upset with the driving habits of some of the dumb ass mutha... friendly drivers around me at times, I calmed my anger immediately and kept it in check. I even listened to music instead of having the radio turned off like usual.

I used a cart at the grocery store and took my time, instead of rushing mindlessly through the store with a handheld basket. Then instead of the self-checkout line like usual (so I don't have to talk to anyone), I went through a normal line and chatted with the clerk while I bagged my own groceries so she wouldn't have to.

I also smiled a lot and was in a fairly good mood all day. I even talked to the neighbor's kid for a bit as I was bringing groceries inside. He looks to be around 12 or 13 and gave me a thoughtful look before going inside and said "You know, you're kinda cool." (I've received this reaction from my nephews as well and I think it's because I find it easy to talk to kids. I try to speak to them like adults instead of children and it takes them by surprise at times.)

Cable

I didn't really think it was possible for me to get lazier, but this past week I've impressed myself with an almost supernatural burst of sloth. It all started last weekend when I called the cable company and added HBO/Cinemax/Starz to my TV lineup. I'd been debating doing it for a few weeks now and decided to finally take the plunge Saturday evening.

It was part of a 6-month "package deal" that gives me faster internet speeds and HBO/Cinemax/Starz for almost the exact same price I'm paying now for just cable and internet. I know it's a way for them to try to boost revenue...they're hoping I will either forget when the 6 months is over (when it reverts to normal pricing) or that I'll get hooked on the movies and be willing to pay the $60 or so extra a month by then. But by the time the offer ends in June/July, I'm hoping to be well on my way towards my next goal and won't need as much TV time in my life.

All that being said, giving myself movie channels right now is like dangling a cigarette in front of a smoker on his third day being "smoke free". I've had movie channels before, but I'd forgotten how nice it is to have large chunks of time-wasting potential like that at my fingertips 24 hours a day. I've managed to get a bit of reading in and taken care of the annoying, menial duties that have to be done (dishes, laundry, going to work, etc.), but otherwise I've been beached on the couch watching movie after movie. And if that's not bad enough, all the movies I've watched so far are ones that I've seen before (some of them twice, some thrice, and others I know well enough to follow the dialogue with the actors).

I'm not sure what I'll do if they show something I haven't seen before.

Review

Finished up "Merle's Door" last night. I didn't know anything about the book other than the cover pictures and from reading the jacket notes, so I wasn't really sure what kind of book to expect. I read this one differently than I usually do other books; instead of immersing myself completely and spending all of my time reading, I took my time with it. I read a chapter or two here and there, or in 15-20 minute blocks. I think doing it differently helped give me a different perspective on the book and it seemed to be the best way for me to absorb it.

I liked the book quite a bit, and I can safely say that this is the first Canine Biography I've ever read. I'm sure Shelbe being near the end of her time helped the story to resonate with me a bit more than it might for people who have never had a dog be a big part of their lives.

I've decided to put the Stephen Donaldson book ("The Runes of the Earth: The Last Chronicles of Thomas Covenant") on hold for a bit. I've read the first 80 pages or so, and like it so far, but I don't think I'm ready to commit myself to reading it right now. When I read a book like this, I have to let myself fall into the book's world. In order to get what I want to from it, I try to experience everything from the perspective of an invisible observer inside the book's universe. I visualize myself as an unseen character that follows alongside the main characters so I can feel and try to understand what they're going through. And I'm not in the right place to do that right now. Maybe next week.

New Year

Well, 2008 is finally here. Time to start a couple more balls rolling and let them build up the momentum they'll need to get things done.

Spent New Year's Eve by myself this year (by choice). Just wanted to be alone this year and not have to go anywhere or do anything or deal with anyone. Plus I don't think the Shelbster has a lot of time left so I don't want to put her under any more stress than I have to right now. I may be mistaken about that (and I hope I am) but there's no point putting her through the added hardship unless I have no other choice.

Today I thought a lot about another NYE that I spent alone. It was 16 years ago, 1991 was coming to an end, and I was getting ready to flounder through my final attempted semester at college before finally throwing in the towel. All of my friends at the time had either already graduated or would be graduating in a few short months and they had planned a night on the town of dancing, drinking, and partying to celebrate the coming of 1992 and their final semester of school. When I found out about the festivities, and that they didn't want me to go along with them, I was devastated. So instead of sitting at home alone and having to deal with my emotions I went to a midnight showing of the latest movie release: "Hook". Not the best movie in the world by far, but it gave my mind something else to focus on as the year rolled over and helped the night ease by. My relationships with them changed a lot after that and I started down a different path shortly afterwards. "Hook" still has a special meaning for me today because of that night though.

I'm not feeling the same things as I spend NYE by myself tonight, but I catch myself thinking of that particular night quite a bit this time of year and thought about it a lot today. Things have changed in 16 years and it's good to remember times like those from a different perspective. It was one of my low times from an emotional standpoint, but if it hadn't happened then I'd be a completely different person today. Besides, I have some big things in store for this coming year. 2008 could very well be a pretty good year for me; no need to dwell too much on the past when it's time to keep plowing ahead.

Bajada

I learned a new word today: bajada.

bajada: [buh-ha-duh]: a plain formed at the base of a mountain by the merging of several alluvial fans.

A whole bunch of rivers and streams fly down a mountain carrying all sorts of dirt, rock, and debris with them along the way, and all that crap gets dumped at the bottom when the rivers slow down. After a few thousand years or so, it all builds up into a pile so big that it becomes it's own landform spread out over miles at the mountain's base.

That's so cool.

Weekend Wallflower

Well I managed to spend the entire weekend at home. I haven't left the place since I parked the car Friday evening. And other than taking the Shelbster out for walks, I've spent the last 48 hours or so inside this apartment. Apparently I can do two days like this without much problem, but if I attempt to go a week like I did over Thanksgiving I'll finally get bored enough to want to leave. So somewhere between 48 and 168 hours is my limit for being cooped up inside the same place by myself. I guess it's a good thing to know; at least I'm only an amateur level hermit and haven't quite gone pro yet. Here's the scary part though: It feels like I just got here, and at the same time it feels like I've never left.

So I've been trying to think of what I'm going to buy myself this year for a Winter Solstice and/or Kwanzaa gift. I've bounced quite a few things around so far (an Xbox 360, a Wii, a PDA, an iPod Touch) and now I'm considering signing back up for Sirius satellite radio. The radio choices I have in Asheville are very limited (to put it nicely) and I've been missing the options that satellite offered. If I do sign back up though, I'll invest in a receiver that I can bring inside work with me since the reception in my office is even worse than the car. I'm not sure how good satellite reception will be inside but even if it won't work in the office I'll still be able to get some decent music back in the car.

Catching Up

Not much happened today so I think I'll catch up on a few things. Last Monday (Nov 19th) I was up early walking the Shelbster and was able to snap a few pretty good foggy morning shots:





These were taken from the edge of my apartment parking lot, and you'd never know there was a smelly dumpster only a few feet behind me. The field where these were taken has been the focus of several of my pics and looks great in the winter covered in fresh snow.

I also decided to buzz my hair last week. It's not really too much of a change in appearance for me since it was slowly taking care of thinning itself pretty well; it's more of a psychological thing. I've finally reached "that point" when my hair isn't going to be lush and magnificent anymore and it's time to put it out of its misery and just keep it shorn from now on. And truthfully I'd already reached that point a few years ago, I was just hanging on and trying to get as much time out of having hair as I could. And yeah there are a few little gray bastards poking through there. No worries though, it's time to start aging gracefully I guess.

Tuesday

Well the website thing at work went ok today. I played around with it on and off for most of the day and have some ideas on how to spruce it up and make it more functional once more of our offices get used it it and start using it more. Even if it doesn't go much beyond what it is now I think it's definitely going to rekindle my interest in work for a while.

After last week's unexpected boredom, I've been thinking about things I can do to get myself out of the house more. And I'm not talking about going out to a bar or working the street corner or anything; other than quick bursts, I'm too old for that kind of thing anymore. I'm thinking of some kind of social group or activity that I can join up with and actually get to know some new people. Some kind of volunteer type of thing isn't out of the question either. I just need to find something that interests me or something that I think I would enjoy learning more about. I'm not really known for my follow-through when I come up with ideas like this though, so we'll see how things turn out.