Shelbe

“To own a dog is to know that one day, you will cry.” I read that quote once a long time ago and it describes perfectly the day I’ve just had. I don’t remember who said it, so I don’t know whom to give credit for it, but the truth in those few words hit me hard and often all day today.

For the last week or so Shelbe’s energy levels have been dropping and her appetite coming and going. Then on Sunday she stopped eating altogether and I noticed her breathing getting heavier. I took her to the vet on Monday and she spent the remainder of the week there. Her pancreas had basically shut down and her body was starting to get thrown out of whack because of it. The vet called me this morning and told me the situation, and I made The Decision. I scheduled the appointment later in the afternoon, and then went to be with her at the end.

After all she’s been through in the last two years I knew this time was coming, but that didn’t make any of it easier. But once they brought her into the room I knew The Decision was the right one. Her breathing was very labored and wheezing, and she barely had enough energy to hold up her head. I could tell she didn’t really know where she was or what was going on, but there was a glint of recognition in her eyes when she saw me, and I knew that she realized I was there with her. She laid her head in my hands and I scratched that special spot on her ear until she breathed out for the final time.



There have been a number of nicknames I’ve given Shelbe over the last decade (Shelbster, Shelbe-Dog, Baby Doll, Pretty Girl, Shelllbeee [said in a high-pitched droning voice], Shelbe-Lynn, Lil' Miss Shelbe-Dog, just to name a few), but the one I liked and used the most often was “Shelbe-Dog”. It rolled off the tongue easily and it always sent her tail into a wagging frenzy.

Thank you Shelbe-Dog, for the 10 years of life that you gracefully shared with me. Thank you for showing me the true meaning of unconditional love and happiness every day when I walked in the front door. Thank you for listening patiently to my rants, for making me laugh when I needed it, and for catching my tears without judgment when they fell.

Good night Shelbe-Dog. I’m going to miss you.
March 7, 1998 - August 14, 2008

An Anniversary, of Sorts

6 months ago today I was in the hospital. I was spending my 2nd evening there after being admitted hurriedly following a visit to the cardiologist for chest pains. I’d spent that day and the afternoon before speaking to numerous doctors, having all kinds of tests done, and eating some rather bland food (low salt, low fat). After all the doc conversations and tests, a diagnosis was reached and I was to be sent home the following day so we could start putting the plans to fix things into motion. Things like angioplasties & stents, MRIs & CAT scans, aneurysms & occluded arteries. And of course the possibility of more serious surgeries later in life when things get worse, which inevitably for me they will. And a lot of what was decided has already happened in the 6 months since then.

I’d like to say I lay there that night pondering deep meaningful things like life, health, and family. You know, the types of things you’re supposed to contemplate when a life-altering event happens and you come face-to-face with your own mortality. But I just don’t think like that, and don’t remember ever thinking that way. I spend my time disconnected from reality and everyone around me. It’s like I’m slightly out of phase with the rest of the world. Things happen to my body and in my life, but I’m not really there feeling any of it.

So instead of meditating on life and its meanings, I lay there with my mind a blank. I didn’t set new goals for myself and start myself down a path of renewed spirits, I was frustrated by the poor sound quality of the TV speakers in the room and pissed that there was nothing good to watch on a Friday night.

And here I sit half a year later on another Friday night. There’s still nothing good to watch on TV and I’m still floating around aimlessly as life happens to everyone else.

At least the sound quality’s a bit better though.

Wanna Feel Old?

Remember when this Nirvana album came out, way back in 1991?



Well here's that cute little baby now, age 17. And here's a link to a recent news article about him in case you want more info.




Where does the time go?

(pics courtesy of www.npr.org)

Screaming

Had an interesting morning today. I had the windows and patio door open enjoying the cool morning air when I heard this creepy, almost human screaming coming from outside. I've heard this sound before, but it's always been late at night when I'm out walking Shelbe and it's always been a lot further away. This time it sounded like it was right outside.

So I grabbed the camera and recorded a quick video of the sounds. You can't see anything in the video except the neighbor's back yard, but you can hear the sound quite clearly. It was echoing through the entire neighborhood so it was hard to ignore. It even had the local wildlife a bit upset; you can hear the sounds of the birds and several dogs going crazy in the background. Around the 0:10 and 0:58 sec marks you can hear The Shelbster grunt out a little bark too.

I checked around online a few weeks ago and I'm pretty sure it's the sound of a red fox screaming.

Shelbster

Figure it's time for an update on The Shelbster. Overall she still seems to be doing ok. Especially for a dog who was diagnosed with Cushing's Disease and diabetes almost 2 years ago. When I took her to the vet initially, he didn't think she'd survive the weekend since she had an extreme case of ketoacidosis from the unregulated diabetes. The worst case he'd ever seen, actually, and he had already given me the "talk" about making a hard decision that night. She pulled through it though and is still kicking. She's a tough little dog.

I have been noticing a few things with her lately however. Her appetite wavers occasionally, she'll have low blood-sugar from time to time (and all the fun symptoms that go with that), and she's started dragging her right hind-leg a bit when she walks. When I got home from work this afternoon she appeared to be having some problems with that leg and putting her full weight on it. After a few minutes of walking around it seemed to clear up though and appears to be fine now. Weakness in the hind-legs is a symptom of Cushing's though, so that combined with her arthritis may be what's causing her problems.

After discussing everything with the vet, loads of online research, and long hours of internal debating, I opted to leave the Cushing's untreated in her. And I don't regret that decision at all. Given her medical history and health at the time, that was the only choice I could make.

She has good days and not so good days, but the good ones far outnumber the bad and overall she seems to be doing as well as can be expected. And hopefully that'll continue for a long time.

[EDIT (12pm): All of the above is true, but I can't get the feeling out of my head that something's wrong. There haven't been any big warning signs, just little things like dragging her foot, so I shouldn't be concerned. Yet I am. I'm convinced she only has at most, days left. Why do I always look for the absolute worst possible outcome in everything?]

Books

I stopped by the bookstore after work today and picked two new ones...Ray Raphael's "Founding Myths", a book about the real stories behind some of our most famous tales from the Revolutionary War, and a book containing Thoreau's "Walden" and "Civil Disobedience", neither of which I've ever read. I can't believe it's taken me almost 40 years to get around to "Walden", and the "Founding Myths" book looks extremely interesting.

Big decisions to be made in the next few weeks. I'm hoping to get lost in these two books for a while to help me clear my head and make the right choices.

Catching Up

Yeah the updates have been spotty and I haven’t been here much. I’d like to say I’ve been busy outside enjoying the nice summer weather, but that’s not even remotely the case. The real reason is pure laziness. Maybe I’ll do better and keep things moving at a better pace.

MRI Results 1: My brain looks normal. Cool, I’m ok (but damn it, was hoping for a medical excuse for my lazy attitude and lack of goals). Diagnosis: get off my ass and stop looking for excuses.

MRI Results 2: I have an almost complete occlusion of my left subclavian artery with some retrograde flow, possibly from capillary feed and my left vertebral artery. Translation: the artery in my left arm is almost completely blocked off; there is some blood flow through other vessels, but not much. That’s why my left arm gets “tired” after 15-20mins of constant use and is weaker than my right. All of which I’ve known about since I was 12. Diagnosis: there isn’t much to be done unless it gets worse; then it will involve taking a piece of "extra" vein from my leg and using it in my shoulder to bypass the blockage.

The vascular surgeon was very cool and talked to me like a real, live person instead of an interesting case study. Plus, he’s a decent amateur photographer with some really cool shots of his hiking treks on his office walls.

It’s been chilly (in the 40s this morning, in June!) and raining a lot lately. I love it.

The annoyingly loud downstairs neighbors have finally moved out! Hopefully some sweet little old lady who doesn’t own a stereo capable of shaking the building at 7 o’clock on a Sunday morning will move in now.

I found out indirectly that my services will no longer be needed. Sucks that I wasn’t given the courtesy of being told directly, or even told why for that matter, but I had a feeling something was amiss from our interactions (or lack thereof). On the up side, large chunks of my free time are my own again and I don’t have to worry about holding my tongue about certain subjects anymore.

I finally saw “Iron Man” at the theatre. Holy shit, what a good movie. Much better than I ever expected it to be, especially since I don’ really care for Robert Downey Jr. By far the best movie I've seen at the theatre in a very long time.

Wonder if I'll find something to post tomorrow or if it'll be another week or so.

MRI

The MRIs I had originally scheduled on Friday of last week were postponed until yesterday. Apparently the machine I was supposed to be in would have messed with the stents (could have potentially moved them magnetically) so they had to put me in a different one. So it all went down yesterday instead.

I had two of them done, one to look at my brain and the other to look at the blood vessels in my neck. They wanted to check any kind of vessel narrowing and/or aneurysms that might be present. The whole procedure involved being inside the machine pictured below for 45 minutes to an hour. That looks like the exact model I was in, complete with the basket looking thing around my head to lock it in place. I'm very glad that I'm not claustrophobic because that little tube they slide you in is extremely cozy. I had a slight reaction to the contrast material they used (slight nausea and come chest tightness) but otherwise the procedure wasn't too bad.

I should hear from the doc in a day or two with the results. Hopefully it won't be too bad.

Doc Visit

Went to the doctor last week for a quick check-up. I was hoping to get some good stuff to take for the gout attack I’ve had for a week now, and wanted to talk to them about a few other things that have been happening. They gave me colchicine for the gout, which seems to have helped. I think it’s probably the most potent (legal) drug I’ve ever taken. The dosage instructions from the doc were: “Take 1 tablet every 1-2 hours until pain subsides or you get sick”. Colchicine not only helps alleviate gout but it’s also a pretty strong poison, so once you start showing signs of being ill (vomiting, nausea, the runs, etc.) you’d better stop taking it. The digoxin I took as a kid had some pretty dire effects if you took too much, but I think the colchicine is the first thing I’ve had with “death” in the list of possible overdose effects. It may have helped with the pain, but I think beaching myself on the couch and elevating the foot for 2 days helped out a bit too.

The other stuff I talked to them about had them a bit more worried though. I’ve been having more migraines lately, and they’ve started coming in clusters. I’ve typically had them one at a time and then they go away for a month or so. Lately though, they come back several days in a row. Also, I’ve had some numbness in my fingers first thing in the mornings and my left arm has been giving me some problems too. The fingers are a mystery to me, but the left arm isn’t. I’ve known since I was a kid that the main artery in my left arm is almost completely blocked (occluded, as the docs say). When I was younger, if I used the arm for 10-15mins it would start to weaken and get tired from the reduced blood flow. Over time my body adjusted though (increased capillary flow, higher blood pressure to carry blood through the occlusion, etc) and I haven’t had many problems with it in several years. Until recently.

The answer to all of it so far is, of course, more tests. I go in Friday afternoon for a series of MRIs on my brain, neck, and possibly my left arm. They want to check the blood flow and make sure there’s not some nasty occlusion or aneurysm lurking around in there somewhere causing everything. Should be a fun week.

Stuff

In the midst of a gout attack this morning and I'm taking the day off. This is the first real attack I've had in a while; the previous couple that I've had didn't involve a lot of pain and my foot didn't swell much. This one's excruciating and my left foot's swollen so much that I can't put a shoe on. Yesterday wasn't so bad, but it flared up big time last night and is bad this morning.

Anyway, I have the day off and finally updated some stuff. I went to my parents' house this past weekend for our Birthday Celebration. 5 of us all had birthdays in the last month (and 2 wedding anniversaries) so we got the family together and celebrated everything. Posted a few pics over on Flickr, but not many came out well. My camera's never taken good indoor photos, and lately they seem to be getting worse. Guess it's time for a new camera.

Entertain Me

I went to see The Strangers last night with a friend. Definitely not the best horror flick I've ever seen, but it was a fun movie to watch nonetheless. I knew going in that it wasn't going to be a heart-pounding kind of scary (for me anyway), but I went hoping the audience would at least be jumpy and entertain me. I wasn't disappointed...the theater was full of teenage girls so there was lots of screaming at all the scripted times (whenever there was a loud noise, when someone appeared in the background, etc.). The two girls directly in front of us were some of the worst screamers. They were annoyed at those of us who were laughing, but kept on screaming when cued. All in all a fun trip to the theater, but only because of the audience and not because of the movie.

I got back early in the evening and decided to begin watching what I predict to be my next addiction: Battlestar Galactica. You'd think that I'd have been all over this series from the second it aired, but for a host of unrelated reasons and bad timing I never was able to catch the beginning. It's been in my NetFlix line-up for a while but I hadn't got around to starting it until recently (was busy watching Deadwood, Weeds, Rescue Me, Queer as Folk, etc.). I made it through the mini-series last night am definitely hooked. I'll get started on the regular series today, and with my impressively sad TV watching ability, will probably be through all the shows in a few weeks. Hopefully I'll enjoy it as much as I think I will.

Fraternal Time

I had supper with my brother and sister-in-law last night. He's off on Wednesdays so they decided to drive up and visit the Biltmore House for the afternoon. They missed the prime blooming time for the spring gardens by a couple weeks, but there were still loads of flowers and plants blossoming so they still got to see oodles of nifty colors.

I met up with them at TGI Friday's since there's one nearby and we had a good time socializing. They have mentioned the possibility of moving to the Asheville area at some point in the near future so I think they were doing a bit of a scouting trip too. I think it would be cool to have them here, if they do eventually move up the mountain. I've never lived in the same city as a family member (not as an adult), so it would be kind of weird having a relative that close by. And I mean weird in a good way. It would be nice to be able to spend more time with them and my niece and nephew.

39

I've been 39 for a couple of days now and can't say I feel any changes from being 38. 'Course it doesn't usually sink in that I've had a birthday until the first time I have to answer the "How old are you?" question. And I've done this enough times to know that you don't magically feel differently just because a particular day of the year came and went.

At least not after you pass 25 or so. Younger than that and each birthday seems special somehow. I think it's because there are so many milestones when you're younger: starting school, hitting double digits, becoming a teenager, driving, high school, etc. After you hit 25 the only thing that's left is just endless years of aging; all the fun stuff's already happened. At least from the perspective of someone under 25, obviously.

I suppose I need to make this year memorable somehow though, as it's my final year in my 30's. I'll see what I can come up with.

Forgotten

We're having a staff meeting tomorrow at work, and they just sent around the notice for it a bit ago. It's one of those mandatory things that all employees have to attend, so you know it's going to be boring and probably be about something that's either going to be bureaucratic bullshit or some kind of policy change that is sure to upset someone. It's split up into 2 meetings to make the groups smaller, and is scheduled first thing in the morning.

I'm not listed on the schedule for either meeting. The lady who organized the meetings and sent out the memos about them said she forgot to put me on the list, but I'm free to attend either one I choose. Now normally I wouldn't really care about it; I'd make a joke or two about not having to go since my name wasn't on the schedule, and then forget about it. But this isn't the first time she's "forgotten" to include me in staff-related notices. It's not the 2nd time either. It's starting to become a pattern with her, and I'm beginning to worry about it. I'm probably overreacting about nothing, but I'm wondering if she has some kind of problem with me and is doing it on purpose.

I hate work drama.

Things I've done

I don't really have much going on right now and not a lot to talk about. So here's a list of stuff I saw on another blog.

In bold are things that I've done.
In italics are things I want to do.

1. Bought everyone in the pub/bar a drink
2. Climbed a mountain
3. Held a tarantula
4. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
5. Been in love
6. Broken someone's heart
7. Had my heart broken
8. Done a striptease
9. Bungee jumped
10. Watched a lightning storm at sea
11. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
12. Seen the Northern Lights
13. Gone to a huge sports game
14. Grown and eaten my own vegetables
15. Slept under the stars
16. Changed a baby's diaper
17. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
18. Watched a meteor shower
19. Gotten drunk on champagne
20. Given money to charity
21. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
22. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
23. Had a food fight
24. Bet on a winning horse
25. Taken a sick day when I wasn't ill
26. Had a snowball fight
27. Photocopied my butt or any other intimate body part
28. Held a lamb
29. Gone skinny dipping
30. Taken an ice cold shower
31. Seen a total eclipse
32. Ridden a roller coaster
33. Hit a home run
34. Been arrested
35. Visited all 50 states
36. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
37. Stolen a street/highway sign
38. Backpacked in Europe
39. Taken a road-trip
40. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
41. Gone sky diving
42. Milked a cow
43. Alphabetized my records/CDs
44. Sung karaoke
45. Lounged around in bed all day
46. Gone scuba diving
47. Danced in the rain
48. Gone to a drive-in theater
49. Started a business
50. Gotten married
51. Been in a movie
52. Crashed a party
53. Gotten divorced
54. Had sex at the office
55. Made cookies from scratch
56. Gotten a tattoo
57. Been on television
58. Had sex a public place
59. Got so drunk I don't remember anything
60. Recorded music
61. Had a one-night stand
62. Bought a house
63. Shaved or waxed off my pubic hair
64. Been on a cruise ship
65. Spoken more than one language fluently
66. Bounced a check
67. Called or written my Congressperson
68. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
69. Sung loudly by myself in the car
70. Written articles for a large publication
71. Piloted an airplane
72. Helped an animal give birth
73. Been fired or laid off from a job
74. Won money on a TV game show
75. Broken a bone
76. Ridden a motorcycle
77. Had a body part below the neck pierced
78. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
79. Ridden a horse
80. Had major surgery
81. Had sex on a moving train
82. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
83. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
84. Visited all 7 continents
85. Eaten sushi
86. Had my picture in the newspaper
87. Parasailed
88. Changed my name
89. Dyed my hair
90. Been a DJ

Blackberry Winter

The blackberries are starting to bloom again. And conveniently we're getting a nice little cold snap rolling through the area. It's dipping into the mid 40s this evening and low 40s tomorrow, which is a bit chilly for us this time of year. Especially since we've had a few weeks of temps in the 50s and 60s at night already.



This is what my granny always referred to as Blackberry Winter. Every year around the early part of May, the blackberry bushes start to bloom and we get a final bout of chilly weather before the temperatures begin to stay warmer at night. It usually happens after a few weeks of mild weather and the trees have started budding. She'd say it in that matter-of-fact tone that grandparents have when they're passing on ancient wisdom from generations before, and then give a little nod of her head. "It must be Blackberry Winter. It'll get warm and stay warm now."

It meant that the woods around my grandparents' house were soon to transform into a sea of white blossoms for the next few weeks. And then in a few months time, a gaggle of grandkids would be stomping through the trees towards Blackberry Kingdom and Blackberry Palace (our nicknames for the two huge patches of blackberry bushes near their house) to pick bowl after bowl of fresh berries for use in granny's homemade blackberry pies.

It's not foolproof weather prediction, obviously, and I never quite acquired a taste for blackberries or her blackberry pies (although everyone else in the family raved over them). But it did make me like this time of the year. The cold weather and long winter nights are finally over. Things will get warmer now.

Kids

This picture is from Chester, South Carolina and was taken in the year 1908. It's from one of my favorite sites in the web, Shorpy.com. The site has pics dating back into the early 1800s and the quality of most of them is simply amazing.

I look at pictures like this and get drawn into the people and their surroundings and try to imagine what their lives must have been like. And not just for the instant in time when the snapshot was taken. The children below have all more than likely lived out their entire lives and moved on to whatever comes next. They were probably approaching the ends of their lives when I was just starting mine. I find that incredibly interesting.

(Click to make bigger)

It makes me wonder what people are going to think in 2108 when they look back at some of the photos on sites like Flickr.

Nostalgia

Came across this clip on Youtube a couple weeks ago and I keep going back and watching it every few days. I spent every Saturday morning glued to the television beside my brother and sister watching cartoons, and this was my all-time favorite. Still is.



My brother got me a Superfriends t-shirt for the December Holidays, and I absolutely love it. I 'm afraid to wear it because I know I'll spill something on it within a few seconds of putting it on.

Anger Holes

I was just on the phone with a customer service rep. One of those people you call and have to rattle off a 10-digit account number, a phone number, address, cock size, and last 4 of your social to “for confirmation” that I am who I was claiming to be. The call didn’t go too well since I was complaining to them about my service, and instead of listening to what I was trying to say they were very good at parroting obscure lines from their EULA back to me. While I was right about what I was saying, the whole situation was completely my fault as I did something a few weeks ago that led to today’s problem.

The customer service and what happened to cause it isn’t really important though. The big problem here is that it made me angry. I was in a blind, seething rage. My face and upper body turned red from the blood pumping so hard (I was literally “seeing red”); my hands and voice were shaking with anger; I even started sweating and could feel the heat pouring off my face. All over a situation that wasn’t really important to begin with and in the end, was my fault and not the poor customer service person unlucky enough to answer my call.

I’ve always had a bad temper though; it runs in the family. My brother and sister have bad ones too, and both my parents’ tempers are legendary. One of the few images that I can clearly recall from growing up is of my father hurling a skateboard out a 2nd floor window because he was mad at us kids. It’s among the scariest (and saddest) memories of my childhood. Yet here I am 25 years later doing the same thing…losing my temper at the drop of a hat over piddling little things. I didn’t toss anything out the window, but I probably would have if I’d thought of it.

It’s not something I’m proud of and I know I’m as much to blame as any genetic inclination that may factor into the deal. I’ve never been good at dealing with my emotions. As a child I felt everything acutely. Emotions were physical presences for me, they came from my core and I could feel them pulsing inside as they bubbled to the surface. But as I got older and and my emotions started getting stronger, I ran from what I was feeling. Instead of dealing with it and allowing myself to grow through the pain and disillusionment, I locked my emotions away and began isolating myself from everyone and everything around me. I put up my shields and built my barriers, then quietly found a nice dark corner and settled in. I’ve been doing it for so long that there are times when I don’t know if I can feel anything anymore. Not much seems like it’s really happening; whole weeks go by with me on auto-pilot just going through the motions.

But every now and then that all-powerful rage comes blasting through my defenses. And while I know it’s not a good thing to have all that anger bottled up inside or have it explode out of me like it did earlier on the phone…maybe, just maybe, the hole it blew through my walls will stay open this time and some of my other emotions will come out. Perhaps I should tear down a few of them this time and move a little closer. It would be nice to feel something real again.

Still Here

Well, I survived the stent surgery. I'm still pretty sore so I'm taking another day off work to heal up a bit more before driving much and sitting upright in a chair for hours on end.

One of the balloons burst and partially deployed the stent during the procedure (which then got stuck in the blood vessel in the wrong spot) so they had to go into another artery in my left leg and pull it out from the opposite direction. Apparently this second incision was a bit more invasive than the one in my right leg so it's extremely sore and turning a nice purplish color as it bruises up. Because of that the procedure took about 3½ hours instead of the usual 1 hour or so. I'm on blood thinners to keep the stents from forming clots so later that evening when I was finally allowed to stand up, one of the incision spots started bleeding and I got to spend the night flat on my back trying not to move my legs much, and having vitals taken every 1-2 hours.

Other than that though, everything went well. I'm scheduled for a quick follow-up visit next week and then another in 2-3 weeks. Hopefully the stents will make as big a difference as they're thinking and I can lower some of the meds I'm taking. But even if that doesn't happen, my kidneys are at least getting normal blood flow again and I'm not in danger of going into kidney failure without warning. So all this fun has been worth it.